This is How You Don't Play Banjo-Kazooie
Do you know about Darksydephil? Well... I have an interesting story to talk about if you're still listening. You might be thinking that this is going to be one of those over-cliched stories that are suppose to be frightening and scary, but I promise that there is truth to this. I was there... You see, I had the intention of trolling Darksydephil on Twitch (before he closed his account) at the time because he was bashing Jak and Daxter for stupid reasons. I watched him play through it and it ended in complete disaster. Phil only whined through out the whole experience and hated the sign of any challenge. The truth is, I was sensitive over this. I admit it. I'm upset when someone makes fun of something that I enjoy. I have those issues. I wanted to find a way to troll this over grown child. I faked a sick day so I could stay home and relax. It wasn't just to catch Phil's stream, it was because I didn't feel like going to school. I was already in a bad mood for various reasons involving friends and felt like I would only get in trouble with the way I was feeling. After playing a bit of Paper Mario, I decided to tune into DSP's twitch for my chance to tell Phil how much of a scrub he was. I wanted to wait for the right moment because I'm sure I would get banned quickly. I had to find the right oppurtunity to strike on that chat. The game that DSP (Darksydephil) was playing during my time at his chat was Banjo-Kazooie. I know what you're thinking... "What?! He touched that game!?!" Sadly... He did... If you try to look for this playthrough, it isn't avaliable anywhere online. Trying to google it will yield no results. It seems that no matter where I looked, all traces of it ever happening are erased completely. Why? Well... The stream happened a few days after Jak and Daxter was finished. The pre stream started with a slide show of horrible "fanart". Official artwork from Banjo-Kazooie had Phil's face photoshopped on various characters from the game. It was a complete mess and would make any professional artist puke from how putrid it looked. Finally, Phil arrived and began welcoming everyone to his stream. He told everyone in the chat that he appreciated the support. Phil talked about wishing how he had enough time to talk to everyone and was thinking about having a system where you could talk to Phil if you donated to him. The time would depend on how much money was spent. It was a dollar per minute... You think I'm joking? DSP tried that bullshit! After the pre stream ended, Phil booted up the game. He didn't even bother watching the game's opening with Banjo and Kazooie playing their respective instruments. Phil started a new file and watched the intro with Gruntilda scheming to capture Tooty. During this, Phil made a bunch of unplesant jokes about how ugly Gruntilda's breasts probably looked. It was very forced. When Phil got done watching the intro, he got impatient and skipped the entire tutorial with Bottles the mole. He did this because he claimed that the game was going to play the same as Super Mario 64. He moved his character around, exploring and figuring out where he was suppose to go. The last thing anyone wanted was his singing to the game's music. When DSP finally figured out where Gruntilda's lair was, he entered and made his way to Mumbo's Mountain. When this happened, his phone rang. Phil picked up the phone and talked to the person calling and quickly got into an outburst. This happened in front of the whole chat for about ten minutes and when other users asked about the call, Phil completely ignored them. I figured the argument had to be between a friend or family member. Phil continued collecting the notes, jiggys, and mumbo tokens. Like I said earlier, DSP had skipped the tutorial, so the pacing was very slow. When Phil reached Mumbo's Hut, he couldn't figure out how to ground pound the tiny huts scattered around the small village. The chat told him there was a jiggy hiding in one of the houses. If you don't know, Phil always uses his own chat to help him. He never tries to figure anything out for himself, but it was somehow worse here. Even though ground pounding was simple, Phil couldn't figure it out that he was suppose to learn that ability from Bottles the mole. He screamed at the game out of anger and laughed at how "bad" it was. Eventually, Phil gave up and continued the game without collecting that jiggy. The worse part about this is that he never picked up all of the moves he could learn and left the area which made others frustrated. The next level was Treasure Trove Cove, one of my favorites in that game. Phil didn't know what he was doing and immediatly died to the treasure chests. Gruntilda insulted the duo (first time he died) and Phil was placed back at the start. This time, DSP played more safely and was able to get further. Everything went well for a bit besides the awful singing attempts and jokes. It wasn't until Phil lost his 2nd life that everything went wrong. He had Banjo and Kazooie make a daring jump from the light house which was at the very top of the whole level. Phil thought that he could land the bear and bird into the water, but when he hit the ground, the duo instantly lost their whole life bar. Phil yelled at the game despite it being his own fault and it was made worse when he realized that the notes he collected were set back down to zero. When he noticed this, he threw the biggest tantrum that I've ever seen a grown man do. It was worse then any of his fits that he had during his clash with the Smelter Demon from Dark Souls 2 and it only got worse. Phil mocked Rare claiming it was complete bullshit. While he re-collected the notes, he kept bitching, saying that this wasn't challenging. At this point, even some of his fans were disgusted and called him out on this. Phil lost all his lives in Clankers Cavern which to be fair is the first challenging level in the game. The game over cutscene played. Gruntilda managed to succeed in her plan and Tooty was turned into an ugly fat bear. Phil laughed at Tooty's misfortune, saying that it was the best thing to ever happen to her. After a quick stream break, Phil resumed the game and found himself outside of Banjo's house. This was when things started getting strange. When you lost all your lives, you started back at the entrance of Gruntilda's Tower, but for some reason, Phil was placed back at Spiral Mountain by Banjo's house. Phil realized that he forgot to explore Banjo's home the first time through Spiral Mountain and decided to go inside to see if there was anything of interest that he forgot to pick up. What I saw was something I never expected... Something that was never shown in my copy of the game. In the middle of Banjo's home was a table in the center with a giant coffin in the middle. Inside was Tooty in her witch form. She was lifeless, laying there... Banjo stood at the coffin in front of Tooty and began speaking after a few seconds of looking at his sister. "It was better to keep everyone from knowing about this. It's a shame we had to do this to her. Gruntilda isn't to blame." Kazooie then spoke after Banjo. "She was a sweet lady... Will find the one responsible for controlling us!" After Banjo and Kazooie's dialouge, everyone watching began to panic. They spammed the entire chat, telling Phil to quickly turn the game off. Phil saw this and thought the entire chat was insulting him and started banning everyone that he caught trying to warn him. "Oh look! Now the entire chat is pissed at how I choose to play. Look at the butt hurt Banjo Kazooie fans! You know what? I'll show you the way out!" Phil was taken outside to the entrance of Banjo's home. The music was now changed to the depressing theme of Spiral Mountain from Banjo-Tooie where Gruntilda and her sisters had destroyed the entire area. "Well. Looks like I missed the good ending. I didn't know you were locked on the bad ending if you lost your lives. God dammit! I'm not starting over again. What awful design. Fuck this!" Phil made nasty comments towards Rare on the way back to the entrance of Gruntilda's tower. When he got there, a invisible wall prevented re-entry. He spoke about the game being glitched. After a few seconds of trying to get back in, Banjo spoke again. "Gruntilda has won. There's no point in going back and upsetting her." Despite this, he constantly tried going back in against Banjo's will until Kazooie peeked out of the backpack and gave a fierce scowl. I've never seen Kazooie act this angry. She was feisty, but she never had anger issues this bad. Phil gave up and turned back, trying to figure out where he was suppose to go. He tried going back into Banjo's house, but there was now an invisible wall there as well. "It's better to let her sleep." Phil tried exploring other parts of Spiral Mountain to see if anything else had changed. He wandered aimlessly until the stream began buffering. Everyone in the chat had this issue as well. Refreshing the page didn't do any good. Everyone just sat there, waiting for twitch to fix itself. Ten minutes later. What I saw was horrifying... Phil was uncounscious, bloody scratches over him. Leanna was hugging him, crying. The game itself was stuck on a screen that flashed between black and white rapidly. While Leanna is comforting Phil, trying to get him conscious, a giant bird goes into view of the web camera. It looked like a realistic Kazooie. The difference was that it wasn't the Kazooie that everyone knew and loved. This Kazooie had a plague mask covering it's face and sharp looking talon's that could easily tear someone's heart out. "Kazooie" immediatly lashes at Leanna and gets smacked away by a fire extinguisher in Leanna's hand. "Get away from him! You fucking chicken!" The stream immediatly buffers again after her line and shortly goes offline completely. Phil became absent after this incident for a couple of days and when he finally returned, he didn't talk about what happened. He refused to acknowledge anything on that night and pretended to never touch Banjo-Kazooie. For once, it was a smart move on his part. Who would believe him? If I hadn't witnessed that attack, I sure wouldn't..... From this day on, Phil has never talked about his session with the bear and bird. It's unknown where he got his copy of the game from. People who have asked to buy Phil's copy of the game were banned from his Twitch. Written by KRokon Category:Video Games